[ radio tuning ]
MAN ON RADIO: ...have decided to withhold comment
pending further investigation.
Officials at NASA released a joint statement
with the National Weather Service this afternoon
saying they're monitoring what's being called a celestial event
moving over the southwestern part of the country.
No details are available at the present time,
but they did say that the atmosphere
would be producing extreme weather systems
in response to increased magnetic activity from space.
RON: Yeah, Angel's talented.
Did you see her in "Wick Dipper V"?
I don't think so.
Is it new?
Fairly new.
She did some fine ball work in that.
That's nice.
And she told me she was honored to have you as a coach.
Coach. [ chuckles ]
[ sighs ]
I think our makeup girl has a little crush on you.
Please. This bus ride is nauseating enough.
Oh, fuck off.
Ron's twice the man you are.
[ scoffs ]
Hey, when we get up to the cabins,
I want to show you something I've been working on.
You found a new way to hold a boom.
[ laughs ] Come on.
I'm just a sound guy like you're just a black man.
No, I think I'm on to something.
It's gonna revolutionize the industry.
Viva la revolución.
[ sighs ]
Cynical bastard.
Where's your joy?
Hey, pop. How much longer?
About 45 minutes, give or take.
I'd like to drop you all off
and get back down before the snowstorm hits.
[ gasps ] Ooh, snowball fights.
The radio says it's to be a whopper.
Biggest since 1938.
Yeah, what were you -- like, 60 then?
Come on. Leave the guy alone.
Yeah, I was talking to you.
[ chuckles ]
Anyone know when we're getting paid?
Same as always, hon --
Half up front and half when we wrap.
Jim said there will be checks when we arrive.
Thank God.
I could really use that 6 grand.
$6,000?
She's making $6,000?
What has she done? Maybe 100, 150 movies?
She's just a beginner.
Oh. That is so unfair.
JIM: Yeah, we're almost there.
What?
We're doing it here because I want to get this thing done
without all the agents and boyfriends
looking over my shoulder every fucking minute.
Don't worry. We'll get it made.
I said, "we'll get it mad--"
Hello? Fuck.
Jack?
End of the line.
Get me to a shower immediately.
Ooh, it's so pretty here.
ROCK: That's everything.
Thanks, pal.
Benjamin Franklin?
Well, thank you.
So, you folks are making a picture, eh?
Yeah.
Oh, I sure do love the movies.
Is it a thriller?
Yeah, thrills aplenty.
Wait till I tell mother. [ laughs ]
Listen, now, I'll never hear the end of it
if I don't get the details right.
Mind me asking?
By all means.
Your cock is 9 inches. That right?
9 3/4.
Oh!
I owe her $10.
I'm sorry.
Well, no harm done.
I'll be back to pick you all up on Sunday...
unless, of course, the roads are snowed in,
In which case, you'll have to wait a day or two till it melts.
But there's plenty of food in there in the pantry.
Oh, and I started the generator
before I came and picked you folks up,
so, uh, your rooms should be nice and toasty by now. LANCE: Hey, pops.
Are we the only ones on the mountain?
Uh, nope.
There's a feller that lives over on the other side.
Uh, name's Mohtz.
Comes down for supplies and whatnot every few months.
Pretty much keeps to himself.
He, uh [sighs]
He's been there ever since he came back from Vietnam. - Mm.
What's that?
Oh, uh, that's an old communications tower.
Now, this whole mountain was used by the army as a lookout
after Pearl Harbor...
making sure no japs come a-calling.
Okay, people, grab a cabin and pretty up.
I want to do Ron and Wanda's first scene before dinner.
We're setting up in the main cabin.
Good luck, folks.
Stay warm.
Hey, maybe we can roast some marshmallows -- uh!
Hey!
ROCK: Roast that, nerd boy.
Oh!
Ooh!
Oh, excuse me. I have the luggage.
Um, is there anything else that you need, Mr. Jeremy?
Oh, no, thank you, uh...
Laura.
Laura. I'm sorry.
So many names over the years, you know.
Historic years.
Yeah, some would say prehistoric.
That's just awful.
Raw talent like yours is ageless.
And anyone who says otherwise --
They can just shut the hell up.
Why, thank you, Laura.
So, uh, how long have you been working in hard-Core?
A few years.
I used to do makeup for the Olsen twins,
and one of them told me about a film
called "Lord of the Cock Rings" that needed a makeup person.....
Gilligan...
You and the Skipper here take the bunks.
Sure thing.
I don't mind taking the top.
RON: Appreciate it.
Ahh!
Hey, you guys think Wanda is as cute as I do?
I don't know. I'm kind of digging her.
She's a sweet kid.
You think she'd go out with me?
Dude.
She's gonna blow you in an hour and a half...
and me.
It's totally different.
MAN ON RADIO: It is 10 minutes after the hour,
and they still don't know what that thing is in the sky,
so if I were you, I'd stay indoors, folks.
Z97 FM.
[ door opens ]
[ chuckles ]
Your room looks just like mine.
Kind of cozy, huh?
This is just like camp.
What's that?
Lidocaine.
Stubble always hurts when I'm getting my pussy eaten.
So I spray it on right before a scene.
Now, that's using your noodle.
Thanks.
But I'm sure you have some of your own tricks of the trade.
Yeah. I've got a great one.
So, if I'm doing this video
where I have to lick a guy's asshole,
I hit myself in the head with a piece of wood
five times really hard right there.
What does that do?
It disables the olfactory bulb
in my limbic system.
I can't smell anything for 12 straight hours.
Mm-hmm.
So I ask the director to make sure
all my ass-licking scenes are in the same day.
Cool.
It works.
[ chuckles ]
[ knock on door ]
Come in.
[ shivering ] Hey. Hey.
Okay, what's the matter?
Been put out to pasture, Ron.
[ chuckles ]
What are you talking about?
I never should have come here.
I mean, I don't know what I was thinking.
I guess I was hoping maybe I could fill in for somebody,
or maybe they'd add a scene just because...
Because I was here.
[ sighs ]
Pretty deluded, huh?
Not at all.
[ sighs ]
I'm the worst kind of diva --
an out-of-work one.
Truth is, I don't belong in hard-core anymore.
You know, there's no room for a woman my age.
Do you remember the first film we ever did together?
Um...
"Women in Love," 1979.
I played your fiancée.
Right.
28 years later, I'm here to tell you
that the years have made you only more beautiful.
Right.
What you're lacking is confidence,
and that is a shame.
Ronny, do you know how tough it is to be confident
when half the girls on the set call you mom?
That shouldn't matter.
How you feel -- that's what matters.
Look at me.
I don't look like a porn star, except for my...cock.
But I play the fool, and I get the joke.
I'm in on it.
And that makes it kind of hip.
And I try to bring a different character into every role that I play,
And that gives me confidence.
But I can't suck my own dick anymore.
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.
With the added weight and the back pains,
all I can do is kiss the tip.
[ both laugh ]
That's more like it.
Let me tell you something, Veronica.
You have something really special
that I have found very hard to resist.
Thanks, Ronny.
You know, I do wish Jim would put me in the movie.
I think I've got a few surprises left.
What are you waiting for?
Why don't you go talk to him?
I guess maybe he just needs to be persuaded.
Maybe he needs your secret weapon.
Maybe I'll show him.
Attagirl.
Remember, you are a porn star.
Show him what porn stars are made of.
[ sighs ]
Thank you, Ronny.
[ wind howling ]
[ clears throat ]
Hey, there, coach.
Shouldn't you be running lines with Wanda or something?
She knows her lines. I know her lines.
Don't start with me, Veronica. We've been through this.
Yeah, I know. We've talked and talked.
But I just don't think talking is getting us anywhere.
Do you?
Huh?
[ chuckles ]
Oh.
Whatever.
I've fucked them all.
But if you think you can make a case, the floor is yours.
I prefer the desk.
Come on.
Give it to me.
[ gasps ]
Oh.
Oh. That's it. Hold it right there.
What?
Oh. Oh, what are you doing?
Oh, what I was trained to do, what I was born to do.
But how? We're not even moving. You're massaging.
They're called kegels, jimbo -- muscles in the vagina.
Every woman has them, but I know how to move them.
Ah, ah, ah.
Like a concert pianist moving their fingers.
You like it, don't you?
Yeah, it's good.
Oh, God damn. I'm gonna shoot. I'm gonna shoot.
No, you're not.
What?!
Let it go. I'm gonna cream.
No. Not till you put me in the movie.
Oh, I can't handle this. Please, I'm ready. Please.
Put me in the movie.
[ grunting ]
Okay, you're in. You're in the movie.
First scene?
Okay, you're in. Please.
Ahhhh.
[ laughs ]
[ sighs ]
See you on set.
Points.
JIM: We're going in 20 minutes.
Lance, Rock, I need you in makeup.
Laura is set up in her cabin.
Jonah, you almost ready?
Almost.
Hey, Poindexter.
I'm paying you to hold the boom, not play video games.
Put your toys away.
Jawohl, herr director.
What's that you working on anyway?
Ah. Program I designed.
Nothing special,
Except that it might change the world as we know it.
Well, what's it do?
Ah. "what's it do?" he asks.
Sit down, sit down.
I think you're gonna like this.
This is a neuro-tactile simulator.
A what?
It's a neuro-tact--
It's a doohickey.
And so, now all you have to do is answer one simple question.
Shoot.
If you could fuck anyone in any orifice,
who would it be, and how would you do it?
Oh, that's easy.
Anna Nicole Smith's tits when they were alive.
Ah. No, see, I need an orifice.
Paris Hilton in the mouth.
Paris Hilton.
Paris...Hilton.
Now, I'll need you to put your big buddy inside that thing
before I run the program.
Hold on there, partner.
I don't want to fuck with my livelihood.
You do fuck with your livelihood.
T.J.: It's perfectly safe.
It's been tested many, many times.
Well...
And cleaned.
Okay.
[ whirring ] Oh!
Holy shit!
Oh, this is great.
Ahh. Ah, so, this is what it would feel like.
Pretty good, huh?
Hold on a second, Einstein.
You expect us to believe he's fucking Paris Hilton.
In the mouth.
If you want her in the ass, I have to change the settings
and pick up some brownie mix.
Oh, not yet. [ sighs ]
T.J.: It's the real thing, boys.
See, I've got 2,000 celebrities in my database.
I organized the data
consisting of three-dimensional measurements, fluid content,
skin tone, and muscle strength,
all of which is available on the internet,
and then I wrote a program
to send the information to that thing,
which is nothing more than a bunch of moving sponges,
mineral oil, and an adjustable aperture.
So, for all intents and purposes...
I'm fucking Paris Hilton.
In the mouth.
[ owl hooting ]
JIM: Let's do it again, for christ sakes.
"Wet Dream Girls" scene one, take five.
And...action.
VERONICA: So...
Are you gonna be our new manager?
It looks that way, yes.
In the meantime, may I audition your pussy?
Okay.
Yeah.
[ laughing ] Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Uh, hold on.
Hold on. Hold on a second.
Just wait. Wait.
Damn it.
Hey, old man, what the fuck is wrong with you?
I just need about maybe 20 minutes.
I need a little bit of air, that's all.
Are you okay, Ron?
Yeah, yeah. I'm fine, I'm fine.
Okay, that's lunch. Back in 20.
Ron, get your shit together.
This movie's getting made with or without you.
[ sighs ]
[ owl hooting ]
[ sighs ]
You all right?
I miss the good old days, Jonah.
You know, the sets, the lights,
when a script had an actual story line
and wasn't some fuck-film knockoff
of whatever the current hit was.
You weren't moved by "Schindler's Fist"?
We were given actual trailers to hang out in.
Is that right?
We were treated like stars.
Hell, we were stars.
Now I feel like some schmuck
caught on tape in some dumb-ass reality show.
Well, back to the grind, as it were.
Yep.
Tell Jim I'm gonna be in the truck getting his filters, will you?
All right. - All right.
[ urinating ]
Hey, Jonah!
Shooting star.
All right, ready to go?
Yeah. As ready as I'll ever be.
I thought so, too,
But if it smells bad, it's probably not cancer.
Okay, let's do this before the next fucking century, please.
Ron, are you with us now?
Yeah. I feel a lot better.
Let's go.
That's more like it. Jonah?
Okay.
Ready.
Okay, places...And roll --
T.J.: Hold on. I hear wind.
Good for you. Roll tape.
Speed.
And...action.
[ moaning ]
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
[ laughs ] ooh.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
You're gonna pass this audition with flying colors,
you know that?
Yeah.
Ohh. Do you like it?
Hmm?
JIM: Okay, Ron, Veronica, doggy style.
Jonah, let's get a two-shot from in front of her.
Oh, that's it.
Yeah, fuck me from behind.
I can't wait to.
I'm gonna roll you like a carpet,
ride you like a Harley, and flip you like a cheese omelet.
You sweet talker, you.
Now, what did Lee strasberg used to say?
Breath, character, focus.
Breathe, yeah. - You ready?
How long is it gonna take to relight?
Ready.
Okay, Ron, take off your sweater.
RON: I'm not wearing a sweater.
Okay, and action.
Oh, yeah. You like that?
Keep going.
That's it.
Oh. Oh, you're gonna pass this audition.
You're the best yet.
Yes. Fuck me. - That's it, Honey. Oh, baby.
Yeah.
Great. Great. - Yeah, fuck me.
Yeah.
Do I get the job, huh?
Oh.
Great.
[ grunting ]
Careful, tiger.
Oh! Oh!
Ooh.
[ grunting continues ]
Something's wrong with Ronny!
Oh!
Fuck!
What is it, Jonah? Is she okay?
Oh, she's hemorrhaging badly.
Well, do something. We're losing time.
Check her purse. Maybe there's a tampon in there.
Oh, this is just perfect!
God damn it, I can't believe this is happening to me.
Shut the fuck up, will you?
There you go.
We're gonna need a bigger tampon.
Fuck.
Hurry, T.J.
All right, that should hold it.
Let's put her on the couch.
W-where's Ron?
Over there.
Holy shit.
What the hell?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but he's missing his dick.
[ panting ]
You know what I'm saying? I don't see his dick.
What the fuck did you just say?
Ron, can you hear me.
It's cold.
Get a blanket.
There you go.
Hang in there.
Hey, Jonah, remember when I fucked that girl that time?
I don't understand. Where the fuck is his dick?
How the hell should I know?
Well, it just didn't get up and walk away.
T.J.: Actually, it did.
Camera's been rolling all this time.
I checked the playback.
Now, watch Ron.
See how he's trying to get our attention?
He had a pretty good reason.
Look.
Look at his dick.
Okay, well, what about her?
The bleeding's stopped. She's just in shock.
Well, did you check her snatch? Maybe it's gone, too.
How the fuck is a snatch gonna run away?
Well, pardon me, but I'm still trying to understand how a dick did it,
because I didn't think that they could!
I wonder where it went.
ANGEL: Ohh. Yeah.
Oh, so good.
Oh, yes.
Oh! Give it to me.
Hmm?
Oh.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Slap that ass.
Oh, yeah. Give it to me.
Fuck me.
Shit.
[ sighs ]
Harder.
Fuck me harder. Fuck me harder.
Give it to me, baby. Yeah.
Just like that. Fuck me.
Fuck me harder. Fuck me harder.
[ sniffs ]
[ screams ]
[ Angel gagging, clattering ]
Angel, I'm trying to do my homework.
Could you please rehearse somewhere else?
[ sighs ]
[ gagging, clattering continues ]
Oh.
Gosh. Okay.
It's just that I've got a midterm.
[ gagging continues, slurping ]
[ gasps ]
Gin! - Shit.
That's three in a row.
Yeah, thanks. I didn't realize that.
[ crying ]
Don't you think Ron has the cutest mustache?
[ door opens ]
There's a dick in Angel's mouth!
Yeah?
[ panting ]
No, no, you don't under--
It's not attached to anyone!
[ door closes ]
[ door opens ]
Oh, I-I'm sorry. I was just putting on my...
Oh, ahh. Oh, oh.
Oh, yeah. [ moaning ]
[ gasps ]
Holy shit.
Oh, my God.
Jesus!
Now, that's what I call giving head.
You insensitive creep!
Come on, man.
Okay, okay. Keep your panties on.
You're saying a disembodied dick did this?
Do you think I'd make that up?
What should we do?
We got to do something with this body.
There's a dumpster out back.
He's a human being, not a fucking pizza box.
We could pack him in the snow
Until we can get an ambulance up here.
Now, how do you propose we do that?
There are no phone lines up here,
And my cell doesn't get a signal.
It doesn't matter.
No one's coming up and down this mountain any time soon.
Not in this storm.
We'll pack him in the snow until it blows over.
Come on. - Jonah, I, uh...
I can't touch dead bodies.
I'm about a minute away from passing out as it is.
I didn't even like the guy.
Fine.
Take him around the side.
I don't want to be stepping on him.
[ Wanda crying ]
You can't just leave. - Watch me.
You'll never make it down the mountain.
I'll take my chance with the mountain.
I won't take my chances with a killer dick.
Coward!
[ engine turns over ]
You got to be fucking kidding me.
Somebody help here. - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. - Help.
[ speaking indistinctly ]
We need some help.
She's dead. A dick went through the back of her head.
There's a hole in it. She's dead, Angel's dead.
Shut up. Shut up.
Now, what happened?
I know you're gonna think I'm crazy.
I just saw a disembodied dick in Angel's mouth.
It was choking her, and it killed her.
It went through her head. The dick went through her head.
You should have seen the size of the hole. The thing's got to be huge.
Okay, let's just calm down a bit. Now, where's rock?
He left in your "Z."
Motherfuck!
Hey, what about the makeup girl?
Uh, Linda...Lorna -- uh, Laura.
LANCE: She was with us, but I don't know.
Hey.
Are you okay?
I'm fine. Why?
What happened to Veronica?
Nothing. She's just sleeping.
Is she dead? What happened?
Would you just stop it? It's --
T.J., what's going on here?
[ horn honking ] Nothing is.
Hey, that's my "Z."
[ honking continues ]
[ growling ]
Jonah. - No!
Jonah's out there. Remember?
Fuck Jonah. He's probably already dead.
It's the dick.
The only dick I see is you.
Lance!
Oh, great.
Fuck me?!
Fuck you.
I should throw your sorry ass out there.
I'm sorry. I -- I didn't mean to...
[ rhythmic pounding on door ]
LANCE: Holy shit. That's the dick.
[ pounding continues ]
Wait a minute.
S...
O...
S.
You telling me it knows Morse Code?
If it does, I'm ready for death,
But I think somebody's out there.
WANDA: Who is he?
Look at his jacket.
I'm assuming this is our neighbor
from the other side of the mountain -- Mohtz.
Jesus, he must have walked all the way here.
It's amazing he's not dead.
He's close. Get him to a chair.
This is insane.
Even if he is this guy, look at him.
He's probably some Vietnam lunatic.
What do you want us to do, huh?
Send him home with a goody bag?
Don't we have enough shit to deal with?
Besides, we don't have enough food for him.
Oh, there's plenty...
Especially now that we lost Angel and Rock.
Wait.
We're missing somebody.
Where's Ron?
I want to get off this mountain as much as you do, okay?
But this blizzard is forcing us to stay here.
So, why can't we just continue working and --
Working?! You're out of your fucking mind.
Hey, 19-year-old, I don't care how hung you are.
If you talk to me like that again,
you've made your last fuck film.
Look, he's right.
The picture is not our priority right now.
Hey, speak for yourself.
If I don't get this film made,
I'm gonna lose some limbs here.
Man, if you don't shut up,
you're gonna lose them a lot sooner.
What about the communications tower?
Maybe we can go over there and radio for help.
In this weather? No, it's way too far.
Well, what's-his-face made it from the other side of the mountain.
I think it's stopped snowing.
Yeah, but the temperature's dropped, what, 20 degrees since then.
It's suicide, but be my guest.
What are you gonna do about Ron's dick?
I mean, are we safe in here?
Guess we'll find out.
What does it want?
Why don't you ask it?
Maybe it talks, too.
You know, when I went to the truck to get those filters,
I saw something in the sky.
Ron saw it, too.
It's almost like a shooting star.
And I saw a really bright light just outside that door.
I could see it from my cabin,
but I just thought it was one of yours.
I don't have lights that bright.
What did Ron say about it?
Nothing, but he was acting kind of strange
when I got back from the truck.
Why?
Maybe nothing.
Maybe everything.
I have a theory.
It's a little way-out.
But I saw a dick scurry out of a tail pipe today,
so I'm willing to consider just about everything.
Well, go on.
The shooting star, the bright light,
Ron acts weird, and his dick takes off running.
And killing.
Mm.
Yes, I haven't forgotten that. And killing.
What if that shooting star
was some alien life-form that invaded Ron
and took control of his dick?
Give me a fucking break!
I don't know. I'm just riffing here.
But it seems to be only natural
that if an alien wanted to take over the planet,
it would need to seed it.
A dick.
Well, not just any dick.
One that had access to as many vaginas as possible
and could penetrate them as deeply
as someone like Ron could.
Maybe it even knows who's capable of conceiving right now
and sees anyone who isn't as a threat.
So, you're saying it scouted Ron?
I don't know. I'm tired.
But maybe it did.
Hey, Mr. "X files," why just the dick?
Why not all of Ron?
Women don't usually fuck dicks that aren't attached to men.
Unless they're battery-operated.
I don't really think it's interested in wooing anybody.
It just wants to replicate.
And it clearly doesn't mind using force.
To the alien, everything but the dick is baggage.
We got to kill it.
No.
I just mean...Can't we trap it or something?
Maybe it's just scared.
You didn't see what that thing did to Angel.
It was horrible.
So, how are we gonna do it?
MOHTZ: I'll kill it for you.
It's a death machine...
Smart.
You've got to outthink it.
Never saw one that big, though.
You've seen them before?
One.
Well, care to elaborate, old-timer?
No.
Then what the hell are you doing here?
I saw that streak of light from my cabin on the other side.
The shooting star.
You can call it whatever you want to, but...
...that's not what it is.
What are we doing listening to this guy?
He probably thinks he's in the jungle, for christ sakes.
Why don't you just shut up?
So, you know what it was?
Your man there already knows.
So it's a martian?
Sweetheart, I don't have its mailing address or anything,
but I can tell you one thing --
it's not from this godforsaken planet.
You said you know how to kill it.
How?
Whatever it was, whatever it's gonna be,
right now it's a dick.
Brilliant.
And, therefore, subject to the physiology of one.
Bright boy.
Oh.
Of course. Of course.
It seems to kill during an act of penetration,
meaning it's erect.
But, okay -- but what about after that?
If it's a dick, it needs a refractory period, right?
So, what?
So that's when it's spent.
That's when it's vulnerable.
I just call it a rest period.
So, we just need to get it to blow its load.
But then what?
Circumcise it to oblivion
with an ax.
Should have one in your shed.
How are we gonna get it to come?
She's a porn star. She can fuck it.
Hey! - Fuck you!
No one's fucking it.
At least no one human.
Come again.
I'll set up the neuro-tactile simulator.
Good.
The what?
We'll explain later.
Right now we need to get that ax.
Someone has to go to the shed and get it.
Choose.
There's only four. What about him?
The man's frostbitten.
And he volunteered to kill it.
Who's gonna go first?
Hail Mary, full of Grace.
Oh, fuck that!
I'm not going out there with that thing on the loose.
Stop calling it a thing.
It's got a name -- Ron.
It's Ron Jeremy.
Hey, weird girl, I don't care if it's Ron McDonald.
I'm staying right here.
Give me a reason.
JIM: Okay. Okay.
Okay.
I'll give you 50 bucks if you go out there for me.
No, thanks. - $200? $1,000?
$1,000? $1,000. Anyone?
Bundle up.
Fine.
If any of you think you're working in fuck films again...
At least give me something to protect myself.
Well, there's a shovel out there.
That's all I had when I was waiting for you to let me in.
MOHTZ: If I were you, I'd hold a tight asshole.
Couldn't get any tighter.
Okay...
Whatever the fuck you are.
You want me?
Here I am.
Just going to the shed...
...to get the ax that's gonna bobbit you back to outer space.
Yeah?
[ echoing ] Hey!
I could help you.
I produce movies.
I know a lot of women,
do some pretty kinky shit for a little coke.
What do you say?
Ah, fuck you.
[ whirring ]
[ whirring stops ]
So, it's a trap, huh?
T.J.: It's a simulated vagina.
They're all traps.
Nope, no issues there.
JONAH: Lance, come here for a sec.
Hold it right there.
Think we'll make it out of here?
Your guess is as good as mine.
This is my first adult film.
All my friends said not to do it.
They said I'd get aids.
I told them everyone gets tested now.
T.J.: Jonah, come take a look at this.
That's my light meter.
Ah. It was your light meter.
Walk away.
[ beeping ]
Good. Now, walk back but faster.
[ beeping ]
How about that?
Part boom guy, part MacGyver.
You made a motion sensor out of a light meter?
It's not such a stretch if you think about it.
I mean, what is light but electromagnetic motion?
I just recalibrated the sensitivity
and installed an audio trip for the beep from one of my microphones.
This is for the kitchen?
For the kitchen, yes.
Now we'll know if it's near. See? No surprises.
Good job.
[ Wanda crying ]
Wanda, you okay?
[ sobbing ]
Oh, sweet.
You, my friend, are gonna get me the fuck out of here.
It's empty. God damn it.
[ door closes ]
What the fuck?
[ knock on door ]
[ door opens ]
Hey, Wanda.
Don't worry.
We're gonna make it.
That's more than we can say for Angel and Ron.
Even Rock didn't deserve to die.
Well, you haven't known him long enough.
[ laughs ]
That's more like it.
I love your laugh.
It's like...
I don't know, like music.
Really?
This may sound kind of stupid and all,
But, on the bus over here, I was writing a song for you.
You were?
You want to hear it?
Yeah.
# I know a pretty girl named Wanda #
# she's someone that I'm awfully fond-a #
Well, that's all I got so far.
When we get home, safe and sound,
if it's okay with you,
I'd like to call you up on the phone
and ask you for a proper date.
I'd like that.
Oh. [ chuckles ]
I want to see you.
Yeah, I think I saw a flashlight in the cabinet.
Oh, yeah, here it is.
Thanks.
Hey, there doesn't seem to be a switch on this thing.
Well, how are you supposed to turn it on?
I think you probably have to suck it.
[ slashing ] [ gasps ]
Okay. Let's do this.
T.J., put your stuff in the kitchen.
Mohtz, I got a chair in there for you.
It could be a long night.
Laura...
I'm gonna need the panties you have on.
Uh...
Okay.
Fellas.
JIM: Sweetheart, I make porn.
I don't see what makes your change purse so special.
You're pretty proud of yourself there, aren't you?
Well, it might not make millions,
but it just might save our lives.
This will do.
How do you know it's gonna show?
It'll show.
I'm going to watch over the women here.
Good. Sure looks like they need you.
Wake me up when it's over.
Where are Lance and Wanda?
I saw them going to the bathroom together.
Hey, party time. [ laughs ]
Fine.
Let's leave them alone.
Hey, Jonah, I don't think I'm ready for this.
I'm feeling a little jumpy.
Yeah.
I could use a drink.
Abracadabra.
[ simulator rattling ]
# home, home on the range #
# where the... #
Where the what? Ah, I forgot the rest of it.
Come on, man. Don't bogart the whiskey.
T.J.: It makes sense.
What?
Why it's here, why it chose earth.
We practically broadcast commercials.
English.
Think of all the satellite signals
we send out into space on a daily basis.
Billions of them,
each one saying, "uh, hey, folks, earth here."
Now, of all the broadcasting that goes on on the planet,
50% of it has got to be porn, right?
I mean, that's probably conservative.
And of that 50%, half of it's got to feature Ron Jeremy.
They were just looking for a familiar face.
Well, not a face.
That tattoo there on your arm is airborne?
182nd.
Gulf war.
Hmm.
405th infantry.
Outside Da Nang.
Whole platoon got wiped out, but it wasn't Charlie.
You're shitting me.
Friendly fire killed your whole platoon?
No, no, not exactly.
Uh...
[ sighs ]
One night me and the C.O. were pulling guard duty,
and we're sharing a joint -- Thai stick.
I'm really stoned,
and all of a sudden, we see this streak of light.
Zoom! Waaa!
And it looked like it lands maybe, oh, about 2 klicks
northeast of camp.
So, the C.O. says, "I'm gonna check it out."
"go ahead, cap, man." more doobie for me, you know.
So, off he goes.
And, uh, it could have been 10 minutes or 2 hours.
I don't know. I was stoned.
But he comes back, and I notice he's acting weird.
But now, oh. Oh, now, no problem,
It's just the Thai stick kicking in.
Well, man, pretty soon
he starts jumping around like his pants are on fire.
I'm not shitting you, you know.
And he -- off comes his pants.
Rips them off. He rips his skivvies off.
Now I got my C.O. standing there in front of me
butt naked from the waist down.
And then something happened, man, that, uh...
boot camp did not prepare me for.
Ahh.
This guy's pecker, his dick, ripped itself off his body
and headed for the tent.
So, the C.O.'s screaming like hell.
Pretty soon I can't hear him
because the screams are now coming from the tent.
Want to know what hell sounds like?
I think it sounds like...
30 men getting massacred by a dick.
So, uh, I went over and hid behind a rock for about an hour
and had to listen to my...
my whole platoon being murdered.
And I heard one guy get a shot off,
but then I heard him getting killed.
So, after it stopped...
I very cautiously, believe me,
crept into the tent to get a radio to get some air support,
and...
I see the dick
lying there on a sleeping bag.
And it looks like it's looking back at me.
But it looked, you know, fucking weak, man.
And it was like in this, uh, you know, shriveled --
what kind of period is that you call it?
A refractory period.
Yeah, yeah.
And, you know, I could have killed it right then,
but I was so stoned I was afraid I'd miss.
And on the other hand, I knew it was just a matter of time
before it would be, you know, back in action again.
So, without taking my eyes off of it,
I get a radio, and I have them chopper in two Saigon whores.
So, for the next half-hour,
I'm holding my weapon on this dick.
Now, I figured it won't know I'm stoned,
so he won't jump me, you know.
So, chopper arrived just in time, thank God,
Because now the dick was getting big and hard.
So I tell the two whores, "look, hey, I'll do anything, man.
"I take you to the states, anything,
if you just lie down there and spread your legs for me."
Well I guess "States" was the magic word,
because you never saw two whores
take their panties off so quick in your life.
Now, the dick must have smelled dinner
because -- Choo! --
It makes a beeline for the whores.
So, I watch.
And I wait. And I watch.
Finally...finally, man, it blew its load.
I grabbed it, and I went outside,
and I threw it in a bunker.
God, Jesus Christ, man!
About 10 seconds later, out runs about 15 gooks.
And I could have nailed every one of them,
but, no, I made a priority decision.
Threw in a grenade.
Fire in the hole! Fa-foom!
Well, guess what.
Now it's raining dick.
Yeah, raining dick.
I crawled into a whiskey bottle
when I got back to the States,
and I've been there ever since.
[ keys clacking ]
[ beep ]
Okay.
This thing's ready for action.
Good. What about you?
Well, I'm certainly drunk.
Good enough.
Hey, if this thing manages to get out of the kitchen somehow,
the women in that room are sitting ducks.
Jim's in there.
[ scoffs ]
Right.
Rest easy, friend.
Man and machine are on the job.
But just in case, seal us in from the outside.
Good luck.
[ pounding ]
[ ticking ]
[ simulator whirring ]
[ slow beeping ]
[ beeping continues ]
It moves like an inchworm.
Like a 9-inch worm.
Here we go.
Come to uma.
Come on.
[ whirring ]
When I get out of here, I'd like to try that.
Okay. Almost there.
Almost.
And...
Oh, shit.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no! - What's wrong?
It's crashing. There's nothing I can do.
Damn it! - Pull it out.
No, I can't do that.
Pull it out, fucker! - No.
God damn it, I said pull it out,
you fucking cocksucking pussy!
Kill the fucker!
Shit, I fucking missed!
Jesus, hurry up again before it gets...
[ growling ]
No, no, no.
We keep forgetting it's Ron Jeremy's dick!
[ growling ]
[ gasping ]
Kill it!
It's on your neck.
I know that. Kill it!
I can't do that.
Chop my motherfucking head off!
Aah!
Oh, my God, somebody get me out of here...please!
Please, Jonah, Jim, anybody.
Please, get me out of here!
Get me the fuck out of here right now, please!
Open the goddamn the door!
What's going on?
Hurry, God damn it!
Oh, my God.
Get me the fuck out of here!
You trying to get us killed? Back off.
[ screams ]
[ all scream ]
What's happening?
Must be the generator.
It's been working overtime. Could be out of gas.
Where the fuck are we gonna get gas?
We're gonna freeze to death.
I got an extra 5-gallon gas can in my truck.
I'll do it.
Oh, you will?
When did you grow balls?
Well, someone's got to stay and protect them.
If that thing gets through this door,
I'm gonna be too busy shitting in my pants.
Okay, let's go.
[ knock on door ] T.J.: Guys?
Guys, I'm okay now. You can open the door.
What the hell?
Seriously, guys, I'm fine. Come on, please open the door.
I'm stuck in here.
No. - What?
I don't think that's T.J. talking.
Who is it?
It's that thing.
Must be...animating him or something.
Come on, guys. Open the door.
It's in his ass.
It's running him from his ass.
What do you want from us?
I want you to open the door.
Who are you?
Open the door.
Fuck you.
You will not survive.
[ engine idling ]
What the hell?
Son of a bitch!
I'm gonna be sick.
[ gagging ]
[ panting ]
[ whimpers ]
[ screams ]
[ whooshing ]
Come on! Come on!
[ groans ]
[ snow crunching ]
[ gasping ]
[ laughs ]
[ cracking ] huh?!
This isn't over.
We just need to keep warm until the snow melts.
They know we're out here.
Someone will come get us.
Who are you trying to convince?
No.
No, take it.
I went to boot camp in Alaska.
You learn to ignore the cold.
Boy, you know, it's really cold when you can see the heat.
You mean your breath.
No.
Over there.
Where?
It's coming from the floor.
Hand me a flashlight.
I'll be damned.
What is it?
Must be an underground passageway.
There's a ladder that comes right up to the floor here.
Got to be 10 degrees warmer down there, too.
Where does it go?
I don't know.
What did that bus driver say?
We're on an old army base, right?
Right.
I wonder if these cabins are connected.
And maybe... - We could get to the radio control tower.
I said maybe.
And even if we did, we don't know if it still works.
But at least we won't freeze to death
Or be sitting ducks for that thing.
It's not a thing.
Yes, it is.
Now, listen to me. Ron's dead.
You can go around to the side of the cabin and see for yourself.
I know you dug him.
And that may be his dick out there, but it's a mass murderer.
What about Veronica?
We can't just leave her here all alone.
Get my light Meter off the kitchen table.
Okay, we're ready.
Help me.
Grab her leg. I got it. It's good.
I got it. Ready?
Mm-hmm.
Got her?
Yeah.
Radio tower should be this way.
Let's go.
Hold up.
How much further?
[ grunts ]
I don't know.
Maybe 100, 200 yards.
[ beeping ]
What's that?
Maybe nothing.
Stand still.
[ rapid beeping ]
Shit. - What?
Something's coming.
It's a rat.
Strange.
Looks kind of dead.
[ beeping continues ]
Let's go.
[ beeping continues ]
This has to be it.
Get her. Come on.
Got her?
Get her up, get her up.
[ grunting ]
Let's get over here.
I got her.
[ whirring ]
All right.
Here goes nothing.
Mayday, mayday.
If anyone can hear me,
there are three of us on top of lookout mountain.
One of us is seriously injured, and we're stuck in the snow.
Six others are dead.
We're being stalked by a d--
[ whirring stops ]
Are you out of your fucking mind?
You just killed us.
VERONICA: Maybe not.
How long you been awake?
I heard your mayday call.
Ohh.
Who's in me?
You have a tampon. You were hemorrhaging.
[ pounding ]
What is that?
It's Ron's dick...
minus Ron.
What?!
Is Ron okay?
Not really.
He's dead.
[ gasps ] Oh!
Oh, my God.
[ sobbing ]
Oh, Ron.
[ pounding stops ]
[ pounding continues ]
Kids, did I ever tell you what I can do with my kegels?
Your what?
They don't call it a trap for nothing.
But I call it my c-clamp.
Trust me.
I can stop a bullet with it.
The banging stopped.
Do you think he went away?
It's probably got a headache.
But...
I can bring him back.
No.
Ron could never resist me.
Yeah, well, he almost killed you last time.
But this time I'll be ready for him.
No...
No.
Go on, now.
In a few days,
We'll meet at the burgundy room and have drinks.
We'll laugh about this, okay?
[ sobbing ]
Go on.
[ crashing ] aah!
Anybody see it?
I do.
Sweet mother of God.
Jonah...Get it!
Hit it!
Jonah!
[ coughing ]
Enough.
If there's any part of Ron left in you,
this is what you want.
Smell good? Oh.
You bet your ass it does.
That's it.
Get it and come.
[ growling ]
[ gasps ]
Ooh.
Good.
Yeah, good.
How about a little massage now?
Uh-huh. That's it.
Oh! Good. Here you go, baby.
Come on.
[ panting ] come on.
[ grunting ]
Ooh!
It wants to come.
How do you know?
Can't fuck a guy 2,000 times
And not know a thing like that.
Go on. Kill it.
Okay. Ooh!
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm clamping down its head,
preventing it from coming.
It's gonna explode.
I thought you were gonna kill it.
I'm gonna kill it.
But I'm checking out, too. What? Why?
Because the world's no place for senior citizens.
You're 47.
Yeah, but in porn star years, it's more like 103.
And I...am...a porn star.
Get out of here.
Oh, my God. It's gonna explode.
Veronica, let it come.
Go on.
Hurry!
[ grunting ]
[ gasps ]
[ grunting ]
[ drops falling ]
Where are we?
Toolshed.
How?
Snow melted enough for me to carry you down the mountain...
thanks to that.
Rain.
Not rain.
Ron.
[ yoni's "let the devil know" plays ]
# you talk of sinners taking down society #
# guys like Howard Stern talking about pornography #
# your solution is to take away our liberty #
# to decide what we choose on radio or the TV #
# I don't know where you think you have the right #
# to compel everyone to see the light #
# it's not your place, nor responsibility #
# ask the many more who do agree with me #
# I'll take you to every London avenue #
# so you can try to see #
# there's always gonna be #
# sinners who will tell you with a laugh #
"please let the devil know #
# I send my best and say hello" #
# can't you understand that you're acting like Iran? #
# justifying, overriding all the freedoms of the land #
# like you, I believe kids should never have to see #
# hookers, drugs, and booze #
# but there is still the right to choose #
# as long as what I do does not affect your day #
# mind your own, and we shall both be on our way #
# your meaning may be pure, so it goes #
# but good intentions pave the road to down below #
# I'll take you to every London avenue #
# so you can try to see #
# there's always gonna be #
# sinners who will tell you with a laugh #
"please let the devil know #
# I send my best and say hello" #
# the way to spot the ultimate hypocrisy #
# find the one who's screaming loudest, "blasphemy" #
# and how two fellas hooking up must be sick #
# then you find him with his mouth chock-full of #
# I'll take you to every London avenue #
# so you can try to see #
# there's always gonna be #
# sinners who will tell you with a laugh #
"please let the devil know #
# I send my best and say hello" #
# I'll take you to every London avenue #
# so you can try to see #
# there's always gonna be #
# sinners who will tell you with a laugh #
"please let the devil know #
# I send my best and say #
# I send my best and say hello" #
[ intro to "do the kegel" plays ]
# there's an exercise that every woman needs #
# it's the kegel, the pelvic squeeze #
# it's great at any age #
# let's make it all the rage #
# it's good for you, it's fun, and it's a Breeze #
# you can do it in the bank or on the bus #
# you can do it with the minimum of fuss #
# find the muscle you'd locate when you don't want to urinate #
# and squeeze, squeeze, squeeze #
# do the kegel #
# the pelvic squeeze #
# come on with me, ladies, and kegel, please #
# you'll Adore your pelvic floor #
# when you squeeze, squeeze, squeeze #
# and relax #
# you can kegel when you're talking on the phone #
# we can kegel together or alone #
# but when you're with your lover #
# this trick is like no other #
# it's guaranteed to make your Honey Moan #
# oh, baby, do the kegel #
# the pelvic squeeze #
# come on, ladies, and kegel, please #
# you'll Adore your pelvic floor #
# when you squeeze, squeeze, squeeze #
# and squeeze some more #
# and relax #
# now here's the really motivating bit #
# a kegel will put pressure on your clit #
# and once you've had a baby #
# no time for saying maybe #
# take my advice #
# making kegeling a habit #
# a habit #
# squeeze, squeeze, squeeze #
# a healthy habit #
# now, it isn't just the girls I want to tell #
# guys, this news is pretty cool for you as well #
# 'cause when you're lovin' with your lady #
# and she cries, "no, don't stop, baby" #
# you'll be glad you know this muscle really well #
# and so will we #
# do the kegel #
# the pelvic squeeze #
# come on, everybody, and kegel, please #
# you'll Adore your pelvic floor #
# when you squeeze, squeeze, squeeze #
# do the kegel #
# do the pelvic squeeze #
# come on, everybody, and kegel with me #
# you'll Adore your pelvic floor #
# when you squeeze, squeeze, squeeze #
# and then squeeze some more #
# a healthy habit #
# and relax #
# very healthy habit #
# squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, and squeeze some more #
# and relax #
# squeeze, squeeze, squeeze #
# you'll Adore your pelvic floor #
Mm.
MAN: Do you kegel when you google?
# you'll Adore your pelvic floor #
# a healthy habit #
# and squeeze some more #
# you'll Adore your pelvic floor #
# a very healthy habit #
Subtitles by LeapinLar